Recently I was lucky enough to encounter one of my childhood crushes in person and to say that I acted uncool would be the biggest understatement of the decade. I was embarrassing on a whole different level. I was so embarrassing that even he was embarrassed and that just embarrassed me even further. You could say that it was a vicious cycle of embarrassment.
Let me start from the beginning. I was working at an exhibition in London launching a new product for my company. I wasn't happy about the situation, no one likes to work on the weekend and despite the fact that I was working early every day, I didn't let it interrupt my social life and proceeded to get drunk most nights meaning that I wasn't necessarily 'all there' when this incident happened. At least, that's my excuse for acting like such a massive loser. That or the 5 coffees I'd had by lunchtime.
Anyway, it was my job to chat to the public about our product, encourage people to try it etc. Well, whilst taking a break from having the same conversation about the product that I had been having for the last 4 days, I looked up and spotted Jason Orange! That's right, the break-dancing, bad boy from Take That and more importantly, the only member of the band still single.
This was serious business. The way I saw it, this was my opportunity to marry someone from Take That which had always been a dream of mine. When Robbie got married I cried genuine tears because I had grown up convinced that me and him were mean't for each other. I was adamant I had to utilise this opportunity to the fullest.
27 year old Amy told me to flirt with him and lure him in. Unfortunately for me 11 year old Amy was in control of this situation and as soon as we made eye contact I took a massive deep breath which slowly but surely turned into a kind of scream/excited gasp and my hands immediately flew up to my mouth to stop me from screaming 'I love you Jason' and then undoubtedly bursting into tears like any self-respecting Take That fan would.
I'm sad to say that he clocked me doing this. He obviously identified that I was on the brink of an outburst so he added fuel to the fire by winking at me. At this stage, I went bright red and had to walk away. I'm such a loser.
After he had left the stand, I ran to my co-workers jumping up and down screeching at, what I had previously believed, was an impossibly high pitched level, shook them and said 'oh my god, oh my god, that was Jason Orange' while I just kind of shook with the sheer overwhelmingness of it. I kid you not, it took me well over 10 minutes to calm down. Just imagine if it had been Robbie? I probably would have passed out.
I wish that could tell you that that is where my humiliation ended. I can't. He obviously identified the entertainment value in me and decided to come back for more.
I was determined to redeem myself so as he came back round I took a deep breath and launched my attack. I asked him if he would like to try out my chair. He didn't want to. So then....sigh....I tried to lure him by informing him that if he so wished he could 'get one in orange'.
That's right, I made an orange themed joke to a man named Orange. Not cool. To top it all off, I coupled my lame ass joke with a hand gesture which involved waggling my fingers at him whilst moving my arms in a circular motion. Think lame relative making a lane joke and having to identify that it is in fact a joke by making that gesture or by saying 'boom boom'.
Now it wasn't all bad. He did laugh but I would hazard a guess that it was more out of sympathy than actually being amused. At least that's one thing you can say for Jase, he was nice. I on the other hand should have been immediately escorted from the building by 'the cool police' who had clearly identified that I was an outsider.
The thing that disturbs me most is that I wasn't even aware that I still harboured insane fan tendencies towards them. I thought I had grown up. I was wrong.
Hopefully for his sake, I won't bump into Phillip Schofield, he wouldn't stand a chance.