We've all been there. You have had the day from hell, your boss spoke to you like you're stupid and to top it all off you were weak and ended up glancing sideways at the salad that you had so lovingly prepared before pushing it aside and reaching for that bag of crisps. The naughty kind. None of this snack-a-jack malarkey.
Just when you think that things can't get worse, you manage to force yourself into a seat on the tube and then you find yourself sat next to 'that person'. The one who seems hell bent on making your journey home as unpleasant as humanly possible.
You know the kind, music too loud and more often than not, offensively rubbish. On more than one occasion I have found my self seated next to someone who seems to enjoy Eminem shouting at him and the whole carriage for the duration of the journey. Just what I want to listen to after a day of staring at a computer screen; tales of domestic violence and plots to kill your mum or the mother of your child. Easy listening indeed.
These passengers can normally be identified by their liking for stinky fast food, the need to carry what no human would consider a normal amount of bags and a voice so loud that people on the street can hear them and even they are thinking 'jeez-can we just bring it down a notch'.
They can also be identified by their tendency to sit with their legs as far apart as possible. It just can't be comfortable or good for your hips. Listen men, we are fully aware that you have something in between your legs that we lack but is it entirely necessary to keep your knees so far apart? It's not like if you bring them an inch closer together that the world will end or that they will wage holy war on one another.
Well it dawned on me the other day that I am in fact that person. I am the one that you would no doubt like to elbow in the face when no one is watching.
The realisation hit me when I noticed a middle aged lady looking at me in disgust. I immediately saw the look and checked myself to ensure that everything was buttoned as it should be and that nothing was on display that wouldn't be appropriate for a rush hour journey but everything appeared to be in order. That 's when it hit me this woman wasn't disgusted by my appearance she was extremely irritated by my music.
Let me explain. Recently, I have developed a bit of a weird obsession with Aerosmith. I firmly believe that they are the greatest band of all time and until the moment when I saw this ladies eyes bulging dangerously whilst she glared at me and tried to keep her breathing steady, I couldn't comprehend that not everyone wants to listen to Steven Tyler screaming at 8 in the morning. She definitely made that point clear with her crazy eyes and sweaty brow. I have no doubt that if she had a weapon she would have happily used it on me...repeatedly.
My aggravating behavior doesn't end there I'm afraid. I'm often in a rush and to ensure that I stick to my life rule of never missing a meal, sometimes I have to grab a bite on the tube. I don't know what it us but whenever I'm about to indulge in some tube eating all I crave is spicy or stinky stuff. Think samosa or tuna. I can't fight it, it must be proven that whilst indulging in some sub-terranean snacking it is necessary for it to have more stench than when above ground.
I've also got a tendency to carry way too many bags. Maybe it's a comfort thing, maybe it spawns from the fact that I can pretty much guarantee that I will get a seat as I live at the start of the tube line. It's not my fault other passengers don't make as sensible location choices. No doubt a few of my fellow passengers become enraged when they manage to crowbar themselves into the tube carriage only to discover that some inconsiderate chick playing her music way too loud has all her bags on the floor in front of her. Well, I'm not going to put them all on my lap am I? How would I read Stylist then?
Sometimes I like to mix things up and carry something overly large and inappropriate during rush hour. The other day it was a cake. A giant cheesecake which unsurprisingly I was prepared to protect with my life and I made this clear. I had an awkward exchange with a lady who wanted to get by me and I had no objection to this but we both kept moving in the same direction trying to get out of each others way and then she decided to take matters into her own hands and came straight at me. She was attacking me and my cheesecake. Fortunately i managed to duck away from her lunge protecting my prize but blocking her from getting on to the train.
The carriage door closed and she gave me a death stare and stormed off. Oops. Another nemesis to add to my collection.
Don't get me wrong, I do feel guilty about my behavior and no one likes making enemies but the way I see it, if we all blasted our music and ate chicken tikka sandwiches then I'm pretty sure rush hour would be way more fun. Think about it.