January 25, 2010

Irrational fears...

What is it about being a female that makes you completely and utterly shit at parallel parking? I mean, if I’m on my own – I can parallel park like a mother bitch. If you had seen me parallel park today when I was alone you would have wanted to have my babies – or have me have your babies – or whatever! I was basically awesome at it. It just seems that as soon as I am with someone else or there is another car behind me – I morph into a driving spaz and cant manoeuvre any kind of vehicle for shit. I can’t take the pressure – its like someone is watching me and marking me on my style and accuracy and that suddenly a giant scoreboard is going to appear and everyone will be able to see how bad I am and this massive audience will materialise and they will all boo me and have those big foam hands and make thumbs down signs at me and shake their heads sadly at my pathetic efforts at parking. Phew - I can’t handle it.

A perfect example of this was when I was at university. My housemate was driving her boyfriends’ car back from his place and she needed to park it along our street. It was a busy street where you had more chance of seeing a giant multicoloured break-dancing cabbage than getting a parking space. It was pretty cutthroat. Anyway, she had some trouble and so she came and got me and asked me to try. Despite the fact that I had been driving for 4 years – the pressure was just too much and I couldn’t handle it. In the end – after driving around, attempting to park then freaking out as soon as someone else came along the road then having to drive around in a loop to get back onto the road just to try and fail all over again – we had to stop a passing male and ask him to park it. Oh the shame. Obviously he did it first time. What an arsehole. I don’t think that we have spoken about it since – its like it was unspoken between us that no-one else could ever know. It would ruin our reputations as strong, independent women. Sorry Claire.

If I can avoid parallel parking then I will do so at all costs. It fills me with dread. It’s like maths. I have an irrational fear of maths. I have nightmares that I have to do a maths exam to allow me to keep my degree and I wake up in a cold sweat, panicking and feeling sick and there is a moment of total and utter terror before I realise that its all a dream and I can breathe again. I’m the kind of person who adds up on their fingers and if I have to do any kind of mathematical problem without a calculator I will make an excuse and leave the country immediately. Imagine if maths and parallel parking were combined in someway – that would make me vomit.

This has got me thinking about irrational fears. My housemate is terrified and I mean TERRIFIED of cargo ships. She doesn’t like the fact that they are rusty and if she sees one she feels sick and looks genuinely frightened as though someone is trying to hurt her. It’s funny. There are a lot of cargo ships in Perth. Constant entertainment.

I don’t like those massive wind turbines. I know that they are good for the environment blah de blah but they genuinely frighten me. They move around in circles really fast and I can’t help but imagine how horrible it would be if some evil villain tied you to one like they do in cartoons. It would be the worst form of torture.

A girl I once lived with was frightened of buttons. I don’t know what it was about them but when we put lots of them in her bed she totally freaked out and wouldn’t return to the house until we promised that we had removed them. In hindsight that was probably pretty mean. Bad karma for Amy.

When I was younger I was afraid of tomato ketchup. I don’t know what it was about it – whether it was because it was red and cold or whether it was the idea of liquid tomato but I would cry if anyone tried to make me eat it. I remember locking myself in my friends’ toilet when her mum bought me a McDonald’s burger with ketchup on it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? When I was at Brownie’s I remember being bullied by this girl who told me that she was going to tie me up by my hair and make me eat ketchup. What a sadist, Now I know that when I said above that it was highly unlikely that anyone would tie you to a wind turbine – well if I could I would get that girl who threatened me with ketchup based torture and would do it to her. Does that seem over the top?

I think that an irrational fear or two is healthy. It’s entertaining for your friends and it’s a chance to be totally crazy without people seriously doubting your sanity. Although, if your irrational fear leads to you thinking about tying up your old enemy from Brownie’s then maybe it’s time to get help. Oh dear.


  1. It's worse as a male, it's a giant pissing contest to see who can park the fastest, and get it closest to the curb.

    At my work, 3 floors up, a regular spectacle is seeing a group of us male's watching some poor sod parallel park and tearing it apart....but then there's the "he'll never get it in there" followed by "bravo that man".

    Ahhhh. the complexities of it all bemuse me!

    As or irrational fears.....i go nuts when there is loads of flour on top of my bread....sends chills down my spine and makes all my teeth tingle. brrrr.

    Random Man Blog

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  3. Haha Amy, you got me high reading about your funny irrational fears. I know it is not funny when it is my own irrational fears. But at least, we can be comforted with the thought that almost every human being in this world is affected by this issue. Fear of buttons is a new one, I wonder what's your friend's story behind it. He He. =)

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  4. what about the fear you used to have of tattoo parlors? remember u used to be terrified that when you were walking past some mean tattooed man would jump out, drag you in and tattoo you! surely that is slightly irrational?

  5. Beef Bonk - That is true. I just couldnt understand why anyone would want a tattoo. I was so crazy i used to sleep with my blanket over my head just in case a rogue tattooist may swing by in the middle of the night and tattoo my face. It got pretty warm. What can i say? I was an imaginitive child!

    Ian - i totally get that bread thing. It sticks to the roof of your mouth and is just totally and utterly unnecessary. I will write to the Ministry of Bread and let them know that its a mistake.

    Shanaz - i want to know your irrational fear!

    Thanks for your comments guys.xx