Google is awesome isn’t it? I reckon that on average I use Google maybe 10 – 15 times a day. I feel like that’s quite a lot. Granted, a lot of the time I am just googling images of celebrities that I fancy – normally looking for those topless shots. Yes, Josh Hartnett, I am talking about you. Well, there is only so much of this that I can do without getting bored so the other day I decided that it was time to expand my horizons.
Currently I am living in Perth in Western Australia – don’t ask me why. It is the most isolated city in the world apparently so why I moved here I have no idea. Anyway, I’m not really sure what direction to go in ‘life-wise’ so thought that I would consult those wizards at Google to see whether they had any ideas that I have been overlooking.
Initially I just typed in “Amy Baker is” but it seems that there are no famous Amy Baker’s (there is still time) so instead I just typed in “Amy is…” and the answers that came up were nothing short of fabulous!
Now, I’m going to skip the first one because that is just boring and as far as I know Amy isn’t short for anything. I like the second one a lot. I am cool. Thanks Google – just giving me a bit of self-confidence. Shucks! They have obviously been monitoring my Google usage and have realised what I already knew! I am taking this as a sign that it is more than ok to spend hours googling men. Thank goodness.
The next one has to be the ultimate. I am a perverted dancer. Excellent! I wasn’t aware of this but now that it has been confirmed by those at Google I’m going to get out there and perverted dance my socks off! I don’t really know what constitutes perverted dancing but I’m sure that it basically involves thrusting and grinding and maybe making obscene hand gestures. I am sure that I can rock this perverted dancing malarkey – In fact as I have already mentioned above – I am a pervert. If there is a young man around – you can guarantee that I will be checking him out. A dream job for me would be driving a white van so that I could ogle all male pedestrians and shout obscenities and then if they were particularly hot maybe I could jump out at some traffic lights and show the lucky buggers some of my perverted dance moves. Maybe I’d grunt a bit as well – I think that this would add a whole new perverted dimension. I am excited about this – I just hope that I don’t get arrested. Its Friday today – I will road test it and let you know the outcome.
“Amy is very…” Very what? Just very! I’m fine with that but seriously Google “Amy is fat” – you don’t know me! A minute ago you were saying all these nice things about me being cool and a perverted dancer and now you’re calling me fat. That’s just plain mean. “Amy is amazing” – well look who came crawling back. Its fine Google – I forgive you.
Now, the next one is just baffling. Apparently I am a lawyer on “Judging Amy”. I don’t even know what “Judging Amy” is and if Amy is both the judge and being judged on “Judging Amy” then I think that that is just bad planning. Or maybe, Amy is judging herself and that just doesn’t sound very entertaining.
“Amy is dead”. Am i? Shit, I hadn’t noticed. Here I am going on with every day life not realising that I am in fact dead! No wonder that no Western Australians thank me when I let them in at road junctions – I’m dead so I’m not actually there! Here I was just thinking that they were being rude! I feel quite alive though which is weird seeing as everything that I read on Google I take as gospel!
“Amy is awesome” – seriously Google, you are flattering me! This is such an ego boost – I recommend you try it. I googled my friend Tom and it said, “Tom is a true Mack Daddy”. Now this is the kind of thing that I am pretty sure the entire population would want to be referred to as. Google are not only providing us with valuable information- they are flattering us. Its heart warming! And then they have to go and spoil it all – “Amy is a Barbie girl” – say what now? I am in no way a Barbie girl. I have only recently discovered that there are any other colours to wear other than black, the idea of a dress or anything in fact which shows my legs is unfathomable and I like to think of myself as a bad ass who’s sole mission is to destroy all Barbie girls. The lesson here – don’t trust Google. They flatter you and then insult you in the blink of an eye. Be warned!