February 1, 2010

If i ruled the world....

I figured that following on from my last post – I should explain my obsession for having a talking dog. If I ever get a chance to fulfil my fantasy to become a mad scientist then the first thing that I will invent will be some kind of contraption which allows me to chat with my dog. Screw time travel – although Doc from “Back to the Future” is clearly the coolest film character of ALL TIME. That’s an actual fact people. Just imagine if he hadn’t created a time travelling Delorean and instead had focused his efforts on dog communication devices – that would have been a whole other film. Maybe I should pitch the idea to someone.

So the lowdown on this obsession of mine. Basically, as a child I was never allowed a dog. My parents refer to them as “Shit Machines” – I suppose that they have a point but still, they are so cute! Normally I could persuade my parents to give me stuff by grinding them down in an incredibly annoying way – normally repeating the request over 100 times a day until finally they gave in. This is how I successfully got my ears pierced way before all of my other friends – I was so cool! Anyway, it never worked and therefore my only experience of animals was on Disney films and in Disney films animals dance and sing. Pretty misleading.

When I moved in with my ex-boyfriend, he had a dog. Potentially the best dog in the world but for the first few months when me and Tommy were alone – I kept expecting him to talk. Needless to say – he didn’t. It’s not like I didn’t love him because he didn’t talk. He was just about as lazy as me, slept maybe 60% of the time, refused to go walking in the rain and occasionally attacked horses so he was effectively the perfect dog but I couldn’t help but wonder just how much better it would be if we could chat. When we were alone I would look into his eyes and try and communicate mentally with him that if only he would talk then together we could rule the world. He usually just looked back and maybe sneezed if I was lucky and then he most probably returned to licking his balls.

Recently, I watched the Disney movie “Up” and in this film if you haven’t seen it – there is a man who invents a collar that interprets what the dogs say. So the way I see it – it’s possible. Disney wouldn’t lie. Praise the lord for modern technology. If I could categorise what is most important to me in terms of inventions then number 1 would be the amazing talking dog collar and the second would be the hover board – I’m only human.

Just imagine the joy that having a talking dog could bring! I mean – we already call them “Man’s Best Friend” so the possibilities are endless. Imagine the wisdom that they might be able to impart on us. I basically think that it would eradicate the need for real human friends. Think of the time that you would save and imagine the nights out that you would have. I like to think of my talking dog as being a mixture of Brian from “Family Guy” and Clifford the Big Red Dog just because as well as being able to have deep and meaningful conversations I would be able to ride around on his back just like the lucky lady in the picture. My transport costs would be zero. It would be a dream come true. Seriously, I don’t want to blow my own trumpet but if my ideas for how the world should be were implemented – think how flaming awesome it would be. We would all have big red talking dogs instead of cars and if we fancied an alternative form of transport then the hover board would actually be a viable option and Nickelback would be no more. Sounds like paradise.


  1. If scientists have time to make things like rats with extra ears or whatever they are doing in those labs i really do not see why they cannot dedicate some time to making a dog talking collar. Maybe we should send numerous letters to Disney asking for our collars as thats what they advertised in the movie?

  2. yes definitely. I reckon it would also be a good idea to picket a few labs where those scientist types hang out and maybe we can persuade them to alter their direction and dedicate all their time to this mission. Gives me something to do this weekend!

  3. Hahaha. A very cute post, that ends with "Nickelback would be no more.Sounds like paradise." You should get a dog and start training him/her right away! Who knows, maybe this gets to be a reality for you and your lucky dog! But what if the dog fancies Nickelback? I cringe to hear your reply. He He