Listful thinking.....

Oh the woes of searching for jobs! So bloody time consuming. I wake up early due to the daily texts from my house mate instructing me to get my lazy ass out of bed and get a job and then after atleast 2 cups of tea, I get cracking. I don’t tear myself away from the laptop at all apart from to top up my caffeine levels and of course to get my daily dose of facebook. Well, a girls gotta slack off occasionally!

Why is it that you can apply for what seems like a million jobs and you only hear back from one and that’s usually a rejection. In my calculations that means that all the other people that you have applied to don’t even deem you worthy of a response. To say that that is soul destroying is an understatement to say the least.

However, there is one massive benefit of job hunting and that’s lists. I LOVE THEM. I think that on average I make about 4 lists per day. I make a list of what I am going to do that day, a list of what I have done, a list of the lists that I need to make and of course a list of the jobs that I have applied for. It’s a list bonanza.

Now I’m sure that the girls out there that can relate to this – there is something about list writing which is not only fun but also allows you to feel organised which in turn makes you feel like you are some kind of high powered executive, business woman type and then that means that your day has been a success. And, if you are lucky you will have a variety of coloured pens or pencils so that you can make the list pretty too. Wow, I feel excited just thinking about it.

I have a special book just for lists – I think that it’s as essential as a diary. I mean, if I was to use just normal pieces of paper for my lists then there would be no way that I would be able to keep track of all of the sub-categories of lists that I have. I would misplace them and then I would never be able to complete my tasks which I have deemed pressing enough to list so that I make sure that they are done. And oh the feeling of success when I complete something that I can then tick off the list. In fact, I confess that I pop a few easy things on the list so that I can instantly tick a couple of items off so that I immediately feel like I am achieving something. For those of you out there who would classify themselves as ‘list novices’ I would recommend starting the list with *make list. Then you can tick that off straight away, preferably with a different coloured pen, and then the day of productiveness can begin.

If there was a job being advertised for a ‘list maker’ then I have no doubt that I would have that shizzle in the bag. I may not be qualified for much else but when it comes down to lists I have an extensive portfolio and an impressive back catalogue. In hindsight, maybe if I spent more time applying for actual jobs that exist and less time writing lists and pondering the wonder that would be a job being a list maker then maybe I would be employed right now. Wow. That was wordy.

Is 26 that old?

So today I had my first realisation that I am getting old. It wasn’t pretty. I’ve been getting grey hair for a while now – I’m doomed, my parents are both very grey haired and have been for a long time and my brother, who is only a couple of years older than me, is what he likes to call “a silver fox”. Well, that’s a matter of opinion! For me then, it’s only a matter of time. The thing with grey hair is that you can pull it out, pout for half and hour and then get on with your life. My realisation was not as easy to shake off. The problem? Justin Bieber!

Now is it just me or is this “pop sensation” actually only 12? I admit that he is cute – in a kind of Chip and Dale Chipmunk way - but he is surely nowhere near old enough to be singing about love and the like – what would his Mother say if she knew that he was getting up to mischief with girls? Isn’t that illegal?

Shouldn’t he be frolicking around on his scooter or maybe building a tree house with his mates? Surely he shouldn’t be giving girls sexy looks and twirling around on those shoes which clearly have wheels (very obviously dangerous) all whilst wearing clothes that are way too big!

One thing that I do like about him is that he has very well blow dried hair – its all feathery and well looked after which makes me feel confident that his Mum did it for him and is clearly enforcing the rule that you shouldn’t leave the house with wet hair or you will get a cold. He also has very clean teeth. His parents are clearly enforcing the majority of the important rules.

One thing that i have observed is that it seems as though every photo that i found of him involves him swearing at me! (See above) So his parents are good at stopping him get a cold but when it comes to teaching him basic manners they're not doing such a good job.

I am well aware of how old this makes me sound but I’m only 26 which means that I should be still allowed to enjoy a bit of cheesy pop music and be allowed to fancy the singers. People like Justin Bieber are making this hard! This Bieber dude looks like my little brother – only without the inevitable grey hair!

The thing I’m worried about is that recently I have found myself singing along to his songs – it’s like this 16 year old who looks 8 is following me around. I’m fighting it but I’m sure that soon I’ll probably buy the t-shirt! Well if I’m going grey I’ll just have to fight it by liking totally inappropriate pop music.

Happy to be home.....

As you will know from my last 2 posts – I have returned to London. I can safely say that I am loving it - apart from the cold. I naively believed that as its April that the sun would be shining and it would soon be sandals and sundress weather. How wrong I was. I don’t know whether I am just acclimatising but at the moment it is more than necessary to wear woolly socks, boots, gloves and a hat / scarf combo which leaves no space for the wind to whistle around the back of my neck. I seem to spend all the time when I am out of my bed, shivering, eating soup or drinking tea. That’ll teach me to be so bloody optimistic about the English weather. The major upset is that, what I thought would be a permanent flip-flop tan-line, appears to be fading in front of my eyes. It’s upsetting. I’d just grown to love it.

It’s good to be back in the Motherland and the joy that the simple things are bringing me is crazy. The other day whilst wandering into Superdrug – I think that I let out a little squeal of delight to be back there. You can literally get everything that you want in there. For the record, I’m definitely a Superdrug not a Boots girl – so much cheaper! Also, the joy that is Pound Shops! Whoever came up with that deserves a cuddle and a cup of tea from the entire country. Why would you shop anywhere else but there if you can get pretty much anything you need. Granted, the quality isn’t that great but for a pound you can’t really grumble can you!

I’m living in Brixton at the moment and not only is there a pound shop but when I ventured further down the street the other day I discovered a 99p shop and when at my mates house in Hackney, I saw a 98p shop! Things just keep getting better and better! If anyone knows of a 97p shop – please let me know. Every little helps when you are broke and unemployed!

I know that this will no doubt wear off, but at the moment I am finding everyone so friendly – I am literally having conversations with everyone. They probably think I’m bonkers but it’s just so nice to hear accents that aren’t Australian everywhere! For that comment, I am a bad person and I apologise but at the moment it’s so true! I’m pretty sure that its not totally normal behaviour to smile at everyone but I cant seem to stop at the moment. I must look like a crazy person.

I’m finding it pretty cool to be somewhere with old style buildings, lots of things to look at and lots of people. This isn’t necessarily very practical because I wander around looking at things that aren’t the pavement in front of me and there are a hell of a lot more people in London than there are in Perth and therefore the percentage chance of colliding with someone is much greater. It’s happened a few times but I can’t seem to drag my eyes from all the stuff there is to look at. I’m like a child! A really tall child, who’s dressed in a million layers!

I’m going to make sure that I make the most of this child like open eyed wonder because I’m sure that as soon as it starts to rain and I am employed, I will avoid eye contact, not notice anything but my computer screen all day and not engage total strangers in conversation. Until then though, if you’re in Brixton and you bash into a girl who is smiling and staring at that tree – don’t be mean.

Long Haul Hell.....

I don’t know about you – but I hate long haul flights. I seem to be the unluckiest person in the world when it comes to flying. I’ve had flights delayed, cancelled, been put in hotels over night, had to sleep in airports and been wedged in between overweight people who seem to be experiencing some extreme flatulence. Its not fun and it all seems so much worse because you are tired and always feel as though you need to clean your teeth.

There must be something about me that encourages people to start up conversations with me. I’m not unfriendly but realistically when embarking on a 25 hour journey to the other side of the world – I am not looking to make friends. I am looking to watch as many of the free movies as I can, drink all of the free booze that I am offered and try to snatch whatever snippets of sleep I can. I don’t want to talk about where other people have been and how their holiday was. So basically unless you are some super hot millionaire who can make me laugh, I will be giving one-word answers. It’s nothing personal – it’s just how I roll.

I watched a lot of TV as a kid and still do now and I appear to have been falsely lead to believe that by now there should be some form of teleporting available to the general public. Its been featured on screen for years and if it isn’t possible then that is just plain misleading! Think how much easier it would be if you could pop to the airport and just teleport to desired country! How much easier would that be than checking in bags, waiting for hours, being dehydrated and getting cramp! I hope that there are people working away in an important laboratory somewhere trying to figure this out. It would change the world.

Wherever there is a negative there always has to be a positive and this is sleeping tablets. They actually work. I feel slightly angry with myself that I have only just discovered their magical powers. Seriously, they knock you out and allow you to sleep in any position that you may have contorted yourself into AND you have awesome dreams. I have no doubt that I was shouting in my sleep and potentially participating in some sleep violence if my dream was anything to go by – it was truly terrifying. It made a day in the life of Jason Bourne seem like a walk along a tropical beach at sunset. There were guns, bombs, kidnappings, sex. It was excellent. If only I could remember the plot I would have a blockbuster movie on my hands.

I would definitely recommend popping a couple of pills to anyone seeing as your options are thus; you can stay awake and listen to idiots talking shit or watch movies featuring talking cartoon dogs or you can take a tablet pass out and dream as though you are a superhero. I know which one I would choose.

Lost....My arse!

I pretty sure that the majority of people reading this would have heard of or watched Lost – the TV programme about beautiful people who were involved in a plane crash and miraculously survived and went on to experience weird and wonderful things.

Well, I am currently sat waiting to catch a flight from Perth, Western Australia to London and I’ve been looking at my fellow passengers and I am not best pleased. Everyone looks far too normal for my liking. Now in Lost everyone is beautiful. In reality – I can see one guy who I would contemplate talking to on a weekend if I had consumed way too much sambuca but apart from that would probably cross the road to avoid. If – god forbid – my flight crashed and I was stranded on a desert island with these people I think that I would be pretty unimpressed. Also, there are way too many small children and babies – they would be no use in a plane crash. I know this is mean but unless they are a world class cub scout then I don’t want them on my desert island – they would require way too much looking after. There’s one child in Lost – seems too convenient.

I think that they should introduce some form of screening for long haul flights so that you can ensure that the flight you are on has at least one of the following:

* a handsome, athletic surgeon who knows how to navigate their way around unmapped territory as though he is walking around the park. Just in case.

* one hot blond, brunette and maybe a red head and a hot asian lady so that all tastes are catered to in the woman department.

* some haunted soul who has a secret that despite our best efforts we will not discover until the last episode but which hints at danger and all round mischief.

* someone who understands technology and coincidentally knows how to fly a plane, kill a man with one hand and operate a submarine.

* a loveable rogue.

As my fellow passengers all look pretty boring I am backing myself for the loveable rogue character. But, really I just hope our plane doesn’t crash and then this wont be a problem and I will have just wasted my time thinking about it and yours by making you read this… sorry.

Whatever next!!!

Today I saw something that truly upset me. A TV advert for World Maths Day. What the hell? Can whoever they are be serious?! I mean, as world days go – surely World Maths Day is the worst idea of them all?

Do you think that they were all sat around one day in their little conference room (no doubt wearing beige) discussing what Days to introduce and some new guy had just started and when he suggested World Maths Day – the rest of the team were too nice to tell him that it is in fact the worst idea in the history of ideas ever to be thought of! Well, if this is indeed the case, they shouldn’t have been so nice to him. His idea sucks. I don’t know why I’m assuming that it was a he but it just seems right. What kind of woman would introduce a day where you have to do sums. No one that I would want to be friends with that’s for sure!

I know that we should encourage numeracy – I will admit that it is a positive thing but to dedicate an entire day to it is just total bullshit. A whole day spent doing numbers sounds to me like it would be worse than inserting nails under each of my finger nails. In fact, given the choice between the two, I would be hard pressed to make a decision. One would cause me no end of physical and mental pain and would require all of my strength to just get through it. The other option would mean that I could bleed my own blood and no one wants to bleed their own blood! What a conundrum!

So I thought I’d check out some stats on this World Maths Day crap and to my surprise it seems like a lot of people disagree with me. In fact over 2 million people from over 200 countries beg to differ when it comes to World Maths Day. This just doesn’t make sense to me. The way I see it, World Maths Day is a way of punishing children and should be made illegal under the Human Rights Act 1998. It is a basic human right to not be tortured, did they just totally disregard this law when plotting their evil plan!? Come on world! What are you frickin playing at.?

This got me thinking about what other days the world observes and my findings, I’m sure you will agree are pretty bizarre. These are my favourites:

1 – World Hypnotism Day

Surely this is risky. If everyone in the world is hypnotised then there will be no one around to do anything constructive. People will just wander around getting naked, acting out random sexual positions and will quack instead of talking. Hypnotists the world over will be laughing gleefully at the idea that for one dangerous day a year they are allowed to hypnotise whoever the hell they want. Seems foolish to me. I don’t trust hypnotists. Especially Paul McKenna. Why is it that all hypnotists have creepy voices? And they can control your mind – think about it… should it be allowed? I don’t think so.

2 – World Dance Day

The idea of this fills me with joy. In fact it is exactly the polar opposite of how World Maths Day makes me feel. Imagine a day where the whole world dances! Now that sounds like my kind of place. It would be like we we’re all in a musical and just imagine the amount of calories that you would burn. Double whammy. For your information, World Dance Day is on the 29^th April. It’s coming. I am beginning a countdown.

3 – Right to Know Day

Right to know what? This just confuses me and it’s on my birthday. Now, every year on my birthday I will think about the fact that today is the day that I have the right to know. Just what I have the right to know I will never know! What a tongue twister.

4 – Global Handwashing Day

Now correct me if I’m wrong but shouldn’t everyday be a global handwashing day? I was always taught to wash my hands on a daily basis although I do admit – the odd time maybe I forget! But seriously, if there is only one day a year where we have to wash our hands as a world order then surely it is a distinct possibility that the world may end any day under the supreme weight of all the dirt that we are neglecting to wash off ourselves. Although it specifies that Global Handwashing Day is on October 15^th, I urge you to rebel against the crowd and wash your hands on a much more regular basis!

There are loads! I am surprised. There are loads more but a lot of them are good causes so it would be just plain mean to say that they were anything else. A few other highlights include; World Toilet Day (Nov 19^th), World Sex Day (Dec 1^st) and World Hello Day (this sounds lovely although I’m pretty sure it would get boring after the first hour) . It doesn’t appear that there is anything of equal nastiness to World Maths Day but I did find World Computer Security Day. Snore! Surely this must be another idea by that same new guy. Someone sack him for Christs sake!

Henry VIII is my homeboy!

As I have mentioned numerous times before – I have a great deal of time on my hands. This leads me to spend a great deal of time pondering things which are of no real value and will in no way improve my life but hey – I’m good at pondering! Second to watching rubbish TV – it’s probably the thing that I am best at.

Recently I’ve been debating with myself which period in history would be my favourite and I have established once and for all that if I had a time machine I would return to the Tudor times. They knew how to party. Of course, for things to work, I would need to be a member of the Royal families posse. I could be a “Lady in Waiting” and could sit around and play some kind of old fashioned instrument like a Lute or something (whatever that is) and maybe indulge in a little idle needlework. It would beat what I do now.

Realistically though, I think that I would do a pretty awesome job of actually being a King or Queen in Tudor times. I could die my hair red and paint my face with white face paint made of lead. I could rock some massive shoulder pads and be entertained by a Jester the whole time. I mean, who wouldn’t want someone around to dance, tell jokes, juggle and basically just play silly beggars entirely for your benefit. In fact, I’m not really sure why it has gone out of fashion. Our current Queen clearly isn’t making the most of her status. What a schmuck.

Essentially though I would just be there for the parties! I love the idea of them having big ass feasts with 18 different types of meats (if there are 18 types of meat?) and openly attempting to get Gout by drinking crazy amounts and only eating rich foods and bathing in cheese.

Also, if I was a Queen not only would I do an excellent job of it but imagine being allowed to invent your own religion purely so that you can divorce the spouse that you are bored of. Henry VIII clearly had the right idea. What a bad ass. I am not condoning violence but if my husband pissed me off – to just cut off his head would be much easier and way more rock and roll than staying together for the sake of the kids. Also, you would always win every argument because they would be nervous that if they did something wrong that you would shout “Off with their head” and then it would be game over for them. If they gave you any lip you could have them publicly executed, go hunting and then have a feast all whilst some small chap dances a jig for you wearing silly short trousers and funny pointy shoes. Like I said – the Tudors had it right.

The only negative as I see it was that Syphilis was rife and quite frankly, I don’t want my nose to fall off! Samll price to pay though for all that meat!