Henry VIII is my homeboy!

As I have mentioned numerous times before – I have a great deal of time on my hands. This leads me to spend a great deal of time pondering things which are of no real value and will in no way improve my life but hey – I’m good at pondering! Second to watching rubbish TV – it’s probably the thing that I am best at.

Recently I’ve been debating with myself which period in history would be my favourite and I have established once and for all that if I had a time machine I would return to the Tudor times. They knew how to party. Of course, for things to work, I would need to be a member of the Royal families posse. I could be a “Lady in Waiting” and could sit around and play some kind of old fashioned instrument like a Lute or something (whatever that is) and maybe indulge in a little idle needlework. It would beat what I do now.

Realistically though, I think that I would do a pretty awesome job of actually being a King or Queen in Tudor times. I could die my hair red and paint my face with white face paint made of lead. I could rock some massive shoulder pads and be entertained by a Jester the whole time. I mean, who wouldn’t want someone around to dance, tell jokes, juggle and basically just play silly beggars entirely for your benefit. In fact, I’m not really sure why it has gone out of fashion. Our current Queen clearly isn’t making the most of her status. What a schmuck.

Essentially though I would just be there for the parties! I love the idea of them having big ass feasts with 18 different types of meats (if there are 18 types of meat?) and openly attempting to get Gout by drinking crazy amounts and only eating rich foods and bathing in cheese.

Also, if I was a Queen not only would I do an excellent job of it but imagine being allowed to invent your own religion purely so that you can divorce the spouse that you are bored of. Henry VIII clearly had the right idea. What a bad ass. I am not condoning violence but if my husband pissed me off – to just cut off his head would be much easier and way more rock and roll than staying together for the sake of the kids. Also, you would always win every argument because they would be nervous that if they did something wrong that you would shout “Off with their head” and then it would be game over for them. If they gave you any lip you could have them publicly executed, go hunting and then have a feast all whilst some small chap dances a jig for you wearing silly short trousers and funny pointy shoes. Like I said – the Tudors had it right.

The only negative as I see it was that Syphilis was rife and quite frankly, I don’t want my nose to fall off! Samll price to pay though for all that meat!