The advantages of being old....

The other day I had to take on the Post Office. It's not a fun experience at the best of times but on Thursday last week, it was particularly joyless.

Basically the queue was a good 40 ft long and was going to take about an hour. Not my favourite activity but a necessary evil. Anyway, this cute little old lady wandered in, took a look at the line and obviously decided that it just wasn't for her. She walked to the front of the queue and was served immediately. No-one batted an eyelid.

I just kind of stared at her, as did a few others, but none of us spoke up. I mean, would you want to be the person that shouts at a frail old lady to join the back of the queue? I certainly wouldn't. Imagine if your raised voice played havoc with her nerves and affected her adversely. What would happen if your outrage at her actions triggered some kind of heart attack? Would you want that on your shoulders? I didn't and clearly, neither did anyone else.

Now this lady was savvy, she knew this was the case and this got me thinking about all the other stuff that you can get away with when you are old. I had to think of something to kill the queuing time. I am now quite looking forward to being old and I'm sure that you will too.

Here is my Top 5 Reason Why Being Old is Awesome!

1 - I figure that once you reach a certain age, you can totally get away with a spot of shoplifting. Like I said, no-one is going to accuse you of anything so you can pretty much get away with anything. In addition to this, when you are old (sorry for the sweeping generalisation) you often have one of those little trolleys which help you carry things - these would be perfect for hiding those bits and bobs that you may no longer want to pay for.

In addition to this, if you do get caught then you can just say that you forgot to pay - no one is going to say that you are lying. Also, the way I see it, the older you are, the more likely you are to have one of those mobility vehicles which help you get around - perfect getaway vehicle right there.

2 - We all like to have a little look (sometimes for too long) at people that we find attractive and there is no way that this is going to stop happening just because you have celebrated more birthdays than most. I for one will be using my age as a shield to act particularly pervy. For one, no one is going to accuse you of being sleazy and if they do, you can feign ignorance or maybe just say that you thought that you recognised them. They'll believe you. Who wouldn't believe a cute old lady?

3 - People are more than willing to do things for you. Fancy a drink? Just ask someone and they'll grab it for you. Could murder a sandwich or a nice little glass of sherry? Just click your fingers and sure enough it'll be brought to you in the blink of an eye. It's like the whole world is your slave and that you are no longer expected to do anything for yourself. Awesome.

You won't even have to get yourself across the road because people will be constantly offering to help you. Maybe, if you ask nicely enough - they will carry you across. It will be your chance to feel like royalty.

4 - No-one expects you to work and this means that you are free to while away your days as you please. As someone who isn't a massive fan of a hard days work, I think that this would be particularly enjoyable.

5 - You can be as inappropriate as you want and no-one will judge you. It will all be based on the fact that you are old. Feel like copping a cheeky feel of that plumber who's come round to fix your sink? Do it. Feel like getting 23 cats? Once again, no problem. No longer wish to conform to societies norms and decide that it might be nice to ditch the cardigan and wear a spiderman costume instead? Cool. It will instantly make you the coolest old person in your area and potentially the whole world. It may even bring you a spot of fame.

I reckon the whackier the better. I hereby solemnly swear that should I be lucky enough to get to a ripe old age, I will use this as my excuse to fulfill all my slightly 'out there' ideas about what I would like to do.

So far, I plan to drink as much as I want, get myself a mobility vehicle with a suped-up engine so that I can flee from the scene of the crime after I decide that that pack of Doritos is just way to expensive, I will hire hot young work men to do stuff for me and wear as little clothing as possible and I will never, ever queue in a post office again.

Bliss.