Whatever next!!!

Today I saw something that truly upset me. A TV advert for World Maths Day. What the hell? Can whoever they are be serious?! I mean, as world days go – surely World Maths Day is the worst idea of them all?

Do you think that they were all sat around one day in their little conference room (no doubt wearing beige) discussing what Days to introduce and some new guy had just started and when he suggested World Maths Day – the rest of the team were too nice to tell him that it is in fact the worst idea in the history of ideas ever to be thought of! Well, if this is indeed the case, they shouldn’t have been so nice to him. His idea sucks. I don’t know why I’m assuming that it was a he but it just seems right. What kind of woman would introduce a day where you have to do sums. No one that I would want to be friends with that’s for sure!

I know that we should encourage numeracy – I will admit that it is a positive thing but to dedicate an entire day to it is just total bullshit. A whole day spent doing numbers sounds to me like it would be worse than inserting nails under each of my finger nails. In fact, given the choice between the two, I would be hard pressed to make a decision. One would cause me no end of physical and mental pain and would require all of my strength to just get through it. The other option would mean that I could bleed my own blood and no one wants to bleed their own blood! What a conundrum!

So I thought I’d check out some stats on this World Maths Day crap and to my surprise it seems like a lot of people disagree with me. In fact over 2 million people from over 200 countries beg to differ when it comes to World Maths Day. This just doesn’t make sense to me. The way I see it, World Maths Day is a way of punishing children and should be made illegal under the Human Rights Act 1998. It is a basic human right to not be tortured, did they just totally disregard this law when plotting their evil plan!? Come on world! What are you frickin playing at.?

This got me thinking about what other days the world observes and my findings, I’m sure you will agree are pretty bizarre. These are my favourites:

1 – World Hypnotism Day

Surely this is risky. If everyone in the world is hypnotised then there will be no one around to do anything constructive. People will just wander around getting naked, acting out random sexual positions and will quack instead of talking. Hypnotists the world over will be laughing gleefully at the idea that for one dangerous day a year they are allowed to hypnotise whoever the hell they want. Seems foolish to me. I don’t trust hypnotists. Especially Paul McKenna. Why is it that all hypnotists have creepy voices? And they can control your mind – think about it… should it be allowed? I don’t think so.

2 – World Dance Day

The idea of this fills me with joy. In fact it is exactly the polar opposite of how World Maths Day makes me feel. Imagine a day where the whole world dances! Now that sounds like my kind of place. It would be like we we’re all in a musical and just imagine the amount of calories that you would burn. Double whammy. For your information, World Dance Day is on the 29^th April. It’s coming. I am beginning a countdown.

3 – Right to Know Day

Right to know what? This just confuses me and it’s on my birthday. Now, every year on my birthday I will think about the fact that today is the day that I have the right to know. Just what I have the right to know I will never know! What a tongue twister.

4 – Global Handwashing Day

Now correct me if I’m wrong but shouldn’t everyday be a global handwashing day? I was always taught to wash my hands on a daily basis although I do admit – the odd time maybe I forget! But seriously, if there is only one day a year where we have to wash our hands as a world order then surely it is a distinct possibility that the world may end any day under the supreme weight of all the dirt that we are neglecting to wash off ourselves. Although it specifies that Global Handwashing Day is on October 15^th, I urge you to rebel against the crowd and wash your hands on a much more regular basis!

There are loads! I am surprised. There are loads more but a lot of them are good causes so it would be just plain mean to say that they were anything else. A few other highlights include; World Toilet Day (Nov 19^th), World Sex Day (Dec 1^st) and World Hello Day (this sounds lovely although I’m pretty sure it would get boring after the first hour) . It doesn’t appear that there is anything of equal nastiness to World Maths Day but I did find World Computer Security Day. Snore! Surely this must be another idea by that same new guy. Someone sack him for Christs sake!

Henry VIII is my homeboy!

As I have mentioned numerous times before – I have a great deal of time on my hands. This leads me to spend a great deal of time pondering things which are of no real value and will in no way improve my life but hey – I’m good at pondering! Second to watching rubbish TV – it’s probably the thing that I am best at.

Recently I’ve been debating with myself which period in history would be my favourite and I have established once and for all that if I had a time machine I would return to the Tudor times. They knew how to party. Of course, for things to work, I would need to be a member of the Royal families posse. I could be a “Lady in Waiting” and could sit around and play some kind of old fashioned instrument like a Lute or something (whatever that is) and maybe indulge in a little idle needlework. It would beat what I do now.

Realistically though, I think that I would do a pretty awesome job of actually being a King or Queen in Tudor times. I could die my hair red and paint my face with white face paint made of lead. I could rock some massive shoulder pads and be entertained by a Jester the whole time. I mean, who wouldn’t want someone around to dance, tell jokes, juggle and basically just play silly beggars entirely for your benefit. In fact, I’m not really sure why it has gone out of fashion. Our current Queen clearly isn’t making the most of her status. What a schmuck.

Essentially though I would just be there for the parties! I love the idea of them having big ass feasts with 18 different types of meats (if there are 18 types of meat?) and openly attempting to get Gout by drinking crazy amounts and only eating rich foods and bathing in cheese.

Also, if I was a Queen not only would I do an excellent job of it but imagine being allowed to invent your own religion purely so that you can divorce the spouse that you are bored of. Henry VIII clearly had the right idea. What a bad ass. I am not condoning violence but if my husband pissed me off – to just cut off his head would be much easier and way more rock and roll than staying together for the sake of the kids. Also, you would always win every argument because they would be nervous that if they did something wrong that you would shout “Off with their head” and then it would be game over for them. If they gave you any lip you could have them publicly executed, go hunting and then have a feast all whilst some small chap dances a jig for you wearing silly short trousers and funny pointy shoes. Like I said – the Tudors had it right.

The only negative as I see it was that Syphilis was rife and quite frankly, I don’t want my nose to fall off! Samll price to pay though for all that meat!

Wow - an all time low...

So today – on a scale of 1- 10 was not a good day. I’d rate it an 8 on average with a 3 second episode which made it a -4. Let me continue. I awoke this morning with a minor hangover following a few too many ciders and a few unidentified hot pink drinks which were delicious at the time but in hindsight probably just did me internal damage. I was hungry and ratty and I realised as I watched repeats of “Sex and the City” (perfect hangover viewing) that the only cure was strong coffee and greasy food.

I live very close to the high street and I estimated that the round trip to get stodge and caffeine would take me 6 minutes max, not too bad, so I left the house in a pair of shorts that I would never normally venture out in. BIG MISTAKE. They are too big and fall down a lot. They have boats on them though so you can see why I would want to continue wearing them despite their obvious downfalls.

I ordered my much needed sustenance and kind of stared into space while I waited for it. There was a copy of the much loved children’s book “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” which kept me entertained for about 20 seconds and I am going to blame it for taking my mind off the task at hand. Before I knew it I had my food and coffee and was good to go.

In order to carry my goodies I had to put my possessions (keys, wallet and phone) in the pockets of my far too big shorts. Before I knew it, I was standing in the middle of potentially the busiest street in Perth with my far too big boat shorts around my knees and my hot pink granny pants on display to one and all. Yes you heard me right. Not my finest hour.

To add insult to injury I had my hands full so I couldn’t immediately pull them up. To say it was embarrassing is a total understatement. I was hungover, disorientated and exposing myself. I swear that a passing dog walker actually tutted me as though this was something that I was doing deliberately. As though when I ventured out this morning my “To-Do List” read; get coffee, get food, flash my pants to the general public, pop home and die of shame. If this was indeed my “To-Do List” then I nailed it in an impressive 6 minutes. Could be a record.

Now that I am over the initial embarrassment I hope that I bought some amusement to those people out for breakfast at the busy café that it occurred outside. If I had seen that whilst chowing down on my bacon and eggs, it would have made my day. I am just grateful for the fact that I was wearing dark glasses, my hair was not in its normal style (it was resembling a birds nest) and that I am fast because my shorts were up and I was gone in about 2.3 seconds. Hopefully all the people would have seen was a flash of pink and a girl disappearing at pace around the corner kind of laughing to herself in disbelief. Why do these things only happen to me when I am on my own and have no-one to laugh with it about? I am going to make sure I check the newspapers this week because considering that nothing interesting ever happens in Perth – this could be breaking news and I could be famous as we speak!

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

So a friend of mine just informed me that this week is "Doppelganger Week". Whatever will they think of next! Anyway, in aid of this, i popped to the website below and whacked in a particularly attractive photo of me to see just who i look like. Do it. Follow the link below, it's really easy.

Now, my method was this. I put a photo of me pulling a stupid face hoping to get some funny responses. I even wore some fake elf ears which i bought when i dressed up as Peter Pan - you can just about see them if you look hard enough. This is the beauty of the fake elf ears. They just kind of pop out from behind your hair so if you blink you will miss them. They have provided me with endless entertainment so i would definitely recommend buying some. I used to wear them at work to try and freak out colleagues when i should have been concentrating on work and i even wore them on public transport to gauge peoples responses. I made a couple of kids cry and think that i sexually excited a few passing nerds. That was entirely unintentional.

Anyway, my intention was to get funny responses and instead i get told that i look like arguably some of the hottest women in the world. Now, you may think that i should be happy about this but i cant be because the fact still remains that i put a picture of me pulling a stupid face so to in fact look like these people i would have to pull that face the whole frickin time. This is not something that i am willing to do. Ask me to wear the elf ears to look like them and happy days - i would do it in a heartbeat and i'd enjoy it.

There is one that i am especially pleased about and that is Cher. Now, it may just be a rumour but i heard she maybe had a touch of plastic surgery? This still doesn't bother me. Cher totally rocks. Who else can dress in lingerie and ride a massive canon in front of hundreds of sailors and still be cool? Also, she stars in the film 'Mermaids' which is a totally unrecognised classic! I'm proud to look like her - plastic surgery and all!

So this is my dilemma. I could walk around looking like boring old me who had very little interesting lookalikes or i could pull a stupid face, wear fake elf ears and look like Cher. Simple decision if you ask me.

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celebrity - Collage - Morph

My own personal hell....

I don’t know about you but every time I go to the hairdressers I come out looking exactly the same. I find the experience totally intimidating. The hairdresser is without a shadow of a doubt always going to be some young, trendy, perky teenager who smiles and nods the whole time while you describe what you want done and then just goes on to do whatever the hell she wants anyway! It drives me mental. I mean, why even bother taking in a photo of a supermodel that you could clearly look just like if only the hairdresser listened to what you said?

I am so adverse to the hairdressers that until recently I hadn’t had my haircut for a whole year. I know, it’s disgusting. The last time I had a haircut the camp man with a handle bar moustache made me look at historical pictures of the surrounding area for the duration of my haircut (which FYI was far too long) and these totally uninteresting photos were interspersed with cruel comments about how bad a person I was for not having my haircut for a year. I paid him to bore me and to bully me. That was NOT money well spent. I think that he even pulled my hair! Needless to say I didn’t go back and I avoid walking past the hairdressers at all costs just in case he should pop outside, seize me by my split ends and force me inside his Salon of Satan. I now feel like I have to apologise to hairdressers as soon as I arrive so that they wont judge me on my dry, matted ponytail.

He clearly instilled this fear in me but I’ve had bad experiences before which haven’t helped. I’m not a fan of the pointless conversation. They clearly don’t care where I’m going on holiday this year and I don’t really care how long they have been hairdressing but yet every time I go I find myself asking these questions just to avoid any kind of awkward silence. Just give me a trashy gossip magazine and a cup of coffee and shut the hell up!

The one thing that I hate the most is having to sit and look at myself in a mirror for an hour. The lighting is never forgiving unless you pile on loads of makeup and I’m always watching nervously as the hairdresser inevitably cuts of far too much when you only asked for a couple of inches! It’s like watching a car crash in slow motion.

I tend to go for a wet cut because 1. Its cheaper and 2. Your hair doesn’t get blow dryed so that you look like Marge Simpson’s less fashionable sister. And this means that I can get out of there as soon as possible. I don’t like to hang around.

So I went last week to finally get my haircut and decided that seeing as it was going to cost me so much I might as well get as much cut off as possible. Needless to say, it made me feel a little nauseous and definitely light headed when I saw how much she had cut off but at the end of the day my reasoning was this. The more I have cut off, the longer I can go without having to go back to have it cut again. I’d say another year should do it.

More time wasting....

Those of you who have read my blog before will know that I have far too much time on my hands. This leads me to divulge in a great deal of pointless activity. I like Facebook WAAAAAY too much and have been known to Google myself once in a while. It’s actually pretty handy – you sometimes find out stuff that you didn’t know about yourself which saves you having to figure it out yourself. I recently discovered that I am a perverted dancer. I’ve been trying to live up to this reputation and so far I can report a 30% success rate. Feedback hasn’t been entirely negative but I haven’t made any new friends either. I will persevere though. I don’t want to let Google down.

The other day a friend of mine drew my attention to the wonderous website that is Urban Dictionary. If you haven’t done so already, go there and enter your name. The definitions that I found of my name are amazing. I have selected my favourites to share with you.

1 – THE NAME THAT IS GIVEN TO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD E.G AMY IS SO BEAUTIFUL I PISSED MY PANTS.

I thought I’d start off with a nice one because the rest of them aren’t so great! Finally the search is over – the most beautiful girl in the world has been discovered and it’s me! So now I can’t figure out why I haven’t been snapped up by some modelling agency, why I’m not dating some multi-millionaire movie star and why I am not laughing manically whilst counting piles and piles of money! Also, I’ve never heard of beauty making people wet themselves. Surely that would cause a lot of mess and as far as I know, I have never made any one pee their pants before. As I said above, I never knew I was a perverted dancer – well until now I didn’t know I had the power to make people wet themselves. Not sure I’m that pleased about it.

2 – A GIRL THAT FLIRTS A LOT. SHE HAS A LOPSIDED HEAD. SHE WILL HAVE MANY BOYFRIENDS WHO DON’T SHOW HER MUCH LOVE AND WILL BE PREGNANT BY THE TIME SHE IS 15.

Wow. I have been known to flirt and I have had rubbish boyfriends but fortunately I didn’t get pregnant at 15. As far as I know. And the thing about the lopsided head is just mean. I have checked the mirror and it doesn’t appear to be the case but then if I have a lopsided head then maybe I hung the mirror lopsided and have therefore been walking around with a lopsided head and haven’t known it. Seems unlikely.

3 – A GIRL WHO IS SECRETLY A SLUT BUT MAINTAINS A CLEAN IMAGE

Hmmm. Did someone I know write this one?

Just kidding.

But am i?

4 – AMY TURNED LINDSEY LOHAN INTO A LESBIAN

I did not. Would not. Sorry Lindsey, you’re not my type.

5 – A UNIQUE YET DEFINING CHARACTERISTIC OF AMY’S IS THEIR EFFORTLESSLY SUPERIOR SANDWICH MAKING SKILLS.

I can confirm that I am excellent at making sandwiches. I always have been. Urban Dictionary must be following me. Identify yourself to me and maybe as a reward I will make you your own sandwich.

6- WHEN YOU DIARRHEA INTO A FAN AND SOMEONE IS STANDING BEHIND IT

??? Do people actually do this? I am genuinely very upset that my name is the definition of this. I hope that my parents didn’t know this when they decided to call me Amy.

7 – THE FEMALE NAME FOR GOD E.G I WORSHIP AMY

If you didn’t know already then you do now. Worship me. I’m nice.

Seriously, go to this website. The hours of fun that you will have will make it worth your while and you might just learn something new about yourself!

For the love of Hommus....

I just ate a whole pot of hommus. Granted, it wasn’t a family size pot but it was still a 200g pot of something that definitely was not of the low fat variety. The weird thing is that I feel zero guilt. I feel pleased with myself. I think its because I think that I can justify it because its made with chick peas and surely they are good for you if they feature the word “peas”? Plus, I eat it with vegetables so therefore there can’t be anything wrong with it. Or can there?

There must be something wrong with thinking about it all morning long whilst I am at work. Worrying that I have enough left to satisfy my craving and buying maybe 5 pots a week. I have to go to different shops to buy it so that the cashiers don’t think that I am some kind of weird hommus junkie or that I am using it for some perverted reason like smothering it on myself and streaking down the high street or perhaps bathing in it. Come to mention it a hommus bath does sounds great – expensive though I imagine and I’m not sure that it would be too good for your hair.

Sometimes I find myself walking past the fridge and sneaking a peek inside just to make sure that it is there, that no-one else has touched it (god forbid – that would not be pretty and would at this stage probably involve tears) and that if I should get the hommus craving at around 4am – that there will be supplies readily available to me. Do you think that there is something wrong with me? I used to be like this with peanut butter – I would eat it by the spoonful. It got serious. Why is it that some foods do that to me? Honestly, if I could make myself some kind of alcoholic hommus drink kind of along the same lines as a Bloody Mary then that would definitely be my drink of choice. Think how well it would work with a stick of celery in it – absolute perfection.

My housemate always talks about how she would like an addiction but not to smoking or drugs because she’s tried that and they don’t agree with her so maybe I could suggest hommus. I am worried that if it happened then there would be serious competition under our roof which could potentially result in violence and nobody wants that. Especially because I think that she would kick my ass. Anyway – my hommus addiction isn’t really that interesting for you guys but I thought I’d write it down so that it could help me in my Hommus Anonymous session next week. If they have those. I’m going to Google it.