At last the day has come – I am pleased to report that I have a new nemesis. It’s brilliant. I really do feel that everyone should have a nemesis – it makes me feel like my hero – Spiderman. He had a fair few – lucky bugger. I have had one so far in my life and when I left that city I was keen to get a new one so that I could have someone to use my awesome evil looks on. I’ve been honing them for a fair few years and I happen to think that my evil looks could stop traffic. I haven’t tried it because I’m way too busy but if I did try it, I have no doubt that traffic everywhere would be stopped. I don’t want to be responsible for the chaos it would cause so best not try it.
Well, fortunately for me my nemesis is not in any way threatening my life, which I think is kind of important when selecting them. I mean – I know it’s exciting but I’m kind of a low-energy gal and if someone was constantly forming evil plans to terminate me I reckon it would get old really quickly. I’d probably end up baking them something or maybe doing some Irish dancing just to try and make them like me. I’m pretty awesome at Irish dancing and trust me, they would NOT be able to resist it. It’s a powerful tool. As well as my evil looks. Multi-talented.
My nemesis – prepare for it – is a headband wearing, Emo, teenage girl with a brace. Now, I know that this doesn’t sound that impressive but she has an attitude problem the size of the world and she makes me feel angry. She hates me. She works at Boost Juice, which for those of you who don’t know is a smoothie making heaven that is totally awesome.
Let me give you the back-story – I swing by there every week after my spin class and order a “Gym Junkie” – I know. It makes me sound like a wanker who wears tracksuits, sweatbands and Hi-Tec trainers. For the record – I’m not. The smoothie is just totally bad ass. If my order isn’t reason enough for her to hate me – on my first visit I accidentally took the wrong drink. BIG MISTAKE. I immediately realised my error and instead of exiting stage right, as I should have done – I confessed to this headbanded psychopath that I had made a mistake. She proceeded to sneer at me, snatch it off me and turn to her colleague and say something mean. I didn’t hear it but I could see the rage on her face and it pissed me off. I made a genuine mistake. What a bitch. Doesn’t matter that she is only 15 or so.
Next week I returned – I was determined to stand my ground and there she was, being all young and surly and low and behold she gave me the wrong drink. I mean – for the love of God. What is her problem? It’s like she’s trying to break me mentally. It won’t work. She will not defeat me. Nevertheless I took the wrong drink and left with my tail between my legs. She had won this time. I had to make a plan.
I decided that my best bet would be to kill her with kindness and that is just what I did. She did not know what had hit her. I asked about her Christmas and smiled and made a few jokes. It was an award winning performance. She even messed up the change she was so flummoxed. It was a truly joyous day. I felt like Popeye after he eats his spinach and kicks that fat bearded guys ass. Victory was mine. World order has been restored. Just call me Spiderman. (I’ve always wanted to say that)