October 13, 2009

Sniff Sniff

I’m currently residing in the infamous Kings Cross in Sydney, Australia. This area is a notorious red light district where drug dealers roam the street snarling at passers by and where you can expect to see literally anything. Its awesome.

Needless to say that due to the nature of the area and the fact that drug use appears to be rife – there are a shit load of police about at all times. Now, coming from the UK we sure ain’t used to seeing policemen / women packing heat! It’s pretty shocking. The first time I saw an Aussie policeperson I didn’t notice the weapon poking off their belt due to the fact that I was blinded by their short trousers, long socks and big boots! It reminded me of Santa! They are like mean blue santas roaming Australia carrying weapons and stopping people having fun albeit in the name of the law and our safety.

Well – a couple of friends of mine had a run in with the feds in Kings Cross station. When wandering down innocently to purchase some ultra cheap sushi – we spotted the police and their aquaintance – a frickin sniffer dog. Now, no matter whether or not you have anything on you - the minute that I see a policeman I instantly panic. Even more so if they have a dog with them.
One thing that struck me was how bloody cute the dog was. It was like an Andrex puppy. Personally I think that this is a diversionary tactic. You stop to look at the cute little puppy wuppy who’s giving you looks as if he will go mad if you don’t cuddle him and then he goes and betrays you in the blink of an eye. That instant when the dog sits down to indicate that you are indeed a law breaker he is basically saying that you had better not touch him - fucking snooty dog. Didn’t want to stroke you anyway. They lure you in with the puppy dog eyes and then break your heart – fuckers.

Now, this got me thinking. Why do the dogs simply sit down when they detect something? Surely this is not the most efficient use of their time. If they were to do something different to indicate which drug they have identified obviously this would save time and money. I’m going suggest it the next time I see a policeperson. If they can be trained to detect drugs – surely they can be taught further actions.

This inevitably got me thinking about what kind of signals they could give. The way I see it, sitting down is the perfect indicator that the suspect is carrying weed because when you smoke weed you get lazy. True. If they detected smack – maybe they could play dead. Inject a little humour into the situation. Maybe detecting ecstacy would cause them to rub against things excessively and smile (if dogs can smile? Woah, creepy.). Maybe with acid the dogs could show off their athletic prowess by walking around on their front paws.

I know this may seem far fetched but with the advancement of technology at the moment, the way I see it – there are no limits. These puppies should not set themselves any limits. I reckon that in the future – policedogs will wear uniforms, wear lazer glasses and will be able to speak English. Anyway enough about this. As you can no doubt tell – I was the fortunate one who the sniffer dog didn’t catch.

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