A whole new world....

I’m quite partial to a stare off every now and then. I’m pretty awesome at it. In fact I think that I am unbeaten. The way that I see it a stare off is not only a test of physical prowess but also of mental strength. This has led me to conclude that the world would be a much better place if all disputes could be solved with staring contests.

Now I know that this seems a little far fetched but come on – think how good it would be? It would be the end of world leaders, as we know it.  It would abolish the need for all this bollocks politics malarkey and our world leaders would be the best starers from each country. People in gyms everywhere would no longer be pumping iron – instead they would be sitting staring at themselves in mirrors whilst they sweat. Who cares about physical fitness when all fights can be resolved in this way? It would eradicate the need to go to university – just think of the debt and liver damage that could be avoided. Another reason why this is such an excellent idea. I am patting myself on the back as we speak.

Picture war torn countries – instead of people being killed or hurt, soldiers would run at each other and stare. If you lose the stare off – then you leave the battlefield and eventually the best man prevails. So much more humane and much more of a spectator sport if you ask me.  It may prove a little more time consuming but I think that people are always in too much of a hurry anyway. We could recycle all weapons and think of all the fun stuff that we could make with all of that recycled metal. See – I’m even considering the environment here.  How very topical of me.

Bar room brawls as we know them would go out of the window. Weedy little guys could talk to hot women and when the big beefy boyfriend comes along it wouldn’t necessarily end in tears. In fact it would be like ‘revenge of the nerds’. Nerds everywhere would be winning over beautiful women with their mental prowess and steely eyes.

I know that it’s a little patchy and I cant’ really see it catching on but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t an awesome idea. I think that it could cause the world as we know it to cease and a new world to begin. A world which I would like to see – kinda like a modern day Garden of Eden if you will but without the snakes and naked people and religious undertones.  The only concern that I have is that stare offs could get boring but I have thought about this and just figure that if this happens people could also use thumb wars and ‘rock, paper, scissors’. I assure you that it is not just a coincidence that I am brilliant at all 3. I know that this may sound conceited but it is an actual fact. One day I will rule the world. Mark my words. For now I’m going to brush up on my staring. I hope people don’t think that I am creepy.

Break Up Blues

So I broke up with my boyfriend last week – boo hoo, sob sob yada yada. It sucks. I loved him but hey – life moves on. The thing that is bothering me though is that since we have broken up it is as if the world is plotting against me to throw things that remind me of him into everything that I do. I am sure that before I met him – I didn’t see pictures of windmills and adverts for Holland everywhere (he is Dutch), I never met anyone before with the same name as him and since we broke up it seems that every apple faced goon is called Marty or that every character in everything that I watch is his namesake. Before no-one I met ever wanted to know whether or not I had a boyfriend and now everyone wants to know my flaming business! It just seems god damned unfair – its like the world is saying to me “hey there, I know that you are having a hard time but I’m just going to remind you of it constantly just to piss you off”. Its like my sanity is being tested. Fuck you world.

I know that it may well be a subconscious thing. Maybe things remind me of him because he is on my mind but I think otherwise.  I think that somewhere out there is the break up fairy who is evil, small and malicious and her soul purpose is to prey on the recently heartbroken. I know that it seems far-fetched but it is the only explanation. I have examples. I have set up my screen saver to show photos from my collection and despite the fact that I have very few photos of us together – the only ones that appear in the screen saver are the ones of us. Weird. Check this out – whilst flying away from our relationship, bound for my parents house (depressing I know) the place that he works was advertised in the in-flight magazine. I mean come on! Maybe I just didn’t pay attention before but come on – give me a break! I am holding the break up fairy entirely responsible and I am going to hunt her down and fuck her up. Bitch.

Also, I cant help but notice that everywhere there are happy couples – they are following me, hiding behind corners waiting for me so that they can jump out and start kissing, they use me as a leaning post whilst they get it on. On the train yesterday there was a couple in front of me gazing into each others eyes and a couple behind me snogging each others faces off – I swear that I felt saliva splashing on my neck. This in turn led me to shout at a boy who cannot have been more than 10 who was threatening to beat up another child unless the he replaced the ‘smokes’ that he had given him. When did 10 year olds start smoking? I know that I have a habit of shouting at children but this one deserved it. I told him to shut up. He proceeded to try and hock up god knows what to spit at me. Look at me – I am arguing with minors – I was actually frightened – imagine if he had spat at me. I wouldn’t have been responsible for my actions. That bloody fairy – if I get my hands on her.

So even though I think that I am doing fine if my actions over the last few days are anything to go by I am most definitely not.  Its like I’m living in a world of couples and all things Dutch. I reckon that this fairy idea may be a little far fetched though so I am blaming this fully on replacing alcohol and weed with green tea and salad. That’s enough to send anyone crazy.