November 30, 2009

A Sticky little shop....



Ok, I know that this isn’t big or clever and it is in no way a mature post to pop on here but I feel that it should be shared.

This is a shop which I walk past every day on my way to work. Jizz Fashion. I had walked past it day after day oblivious to it and then one day I saw a huddling gaggle of teenagers laughing and taking photos on their mobile phones. “Louts” I thought to myself, “bloody teenagers” and then I caught sight of the sign! It made me chuckle, and soon I too had my mobile phone out, was taking pictures and sending them to my friends who I knew would appreciate it! Yes, I can confirm that I am 26.

I mean, who would name their store “Jizz Fashion”. Surely there are a few zillion other possibilities which would be more appropriate. Surely the name doesn’t help to sell clothes. I considered whether or not to be a Good Samaritan and inform the clothes shop owners and then I pondered that perhaps it is their family name and despite the ridicule decided to name the shop after themselves to show what they had achieved. Hence I walked out feeling very ashamed. I must add that I checked to see whether the clothes had ‘Jizz’ labels in them (negative) and there was unfortunately nothing with the name across it. Disappointing – although I’m not really sure of an occasion where I would be able to wear the t-shirt. Certainly not Sunday dinner.



On further investigation I have concluded that the owners of the shop are in fact super intelligent. They name it something controversial and people come from everywhere to see it and potentially buy something whilst they are there as a souvenir from the Jizz Shop. I for one an mighty impressed with their thinking.

November 18, 2009

World's Most Stupid Tattoo?

Today whilst wandering through Kings Cross I noticed a chap who had a tear drop tattoo under his eye. This got me thinking. As far as I know – a tear drop tattoo represents the fact that you have murdered someone. I apologise if my facts are wrong. Why oh why – if you had murdered someone would you want to openly admit it to the world? Surely this would indicate your guilt and you would no doubt be incarcerated forever! I know that it can make you look big and tough but seriously – in this case – who’s the one laughing?

The way I see it – man commits crime, hides from police, police don’t know who did it, man thinks its cool to get tattoo on face, police go “ah, he has a tattoo on his face which he didn’t have before the murder” – GUILTY! What happened to criminals laying low and trying to avoid the Feds after committing murder? Surely that would make more sense. And I cant help but think that there would be no chance in getting off if you were caught:

“Are you guilty of murder?”
“No”
“Then why do you have that tattoo on your face which means you killed someone”,
“Oh yeah, shit”.

GUILTY!

I mean even if you weren’t guilty of the crime in question it would be clear that you had already broken the law and they had just missed it! Thus you would be contributing to your own downfall – a massive error.

Now, obviously I’m not going to go around preaching to gang members about how bad their actions are but in this case this just seems to be a ‘lose – lose’ situation. It looks bad, you get caught for murder and imprisoned for life and you’re left with a shit tattoo which is responsible. I bet their Mothers are so proud!

November 16, 2009

My Nemesis!



I fear that my time at the sweet shop may have drawn closer to an end. “At last!” I hear you cry. There have been developments and they aren’t necessarily positive. I’ll give you a little bit of background so that this doesn’t come out of nowhere. My boss and me don’t get along. To say that we hate each other would be a major understatement. I would compare the feud between us to that of Biggie and Tupac although no way near as cool and hopefully our feud wont end with one of us getting shot. Well atleast, not me getting shot. Imagine the amount that Janice in ‘Friends’ irritates Chandler. Well multiply that by 1000% and you’ve got how much I cant stand my boss.

I admit that I can be petty and I have gone as far as sticking my fingers up at him behind his back and mimicking his way of talking. I’m not claiming to be mature and I am in no way the bigger man in this situation. There, I said it. I’m a bad person.

Well, last week he asked to have ‘a word’ with me. Ominous. He sat me down and informed me that the security cameras have audio and he had been listening to everything that my colleagues and I had been saying about him. Oh fucking dear. Not good. Needless to say, I wasn’t expecting it and when he told me I actually sniggered. What a bitch. It was out of shock I assure you. He had heard some bad stuff i.e. us discussing how inept he would be in the bedroom and how he would no doubt sweat excessively and no doubt be (to quote myself) ‘absolutely disgusting and totally shit’ we also mused on the fact that this is probably the reason why his girlfriend never smiles .Not the kind of thing that you want anyone to hear you say or hear about yourself. This explained why he hated me so much!

As I have said before I felt bad but his behaviour since this revelation has been all negative. After he broke the news, he pointed at me in the face and says “this bitchy chit-chat needs to fucking stop’. Say what now Manager? Surely he would try and resolve the issue rather than make it worse. I responded the only way I know how – sarcastically. (What can I say? I’m English – its what we do best) So I said “of course, I understand it isn’t professional, I’ll stop talking about you like that….at work”. I don’t know what it is about me, but I’m stubborn and no-one should point in someone else’s face. He just fuelled the flames of hatred further.

The latest development is that he sacked my two fellow conspirators and now it is just me, alone, with all the other employees. One of which is his girlfriend who heard everything too. As I said earlier, I wasn’t that nice about her either. So, needless to say it is not the best situation, work is not fun. You can practically hear the wind whistling and the tumbleweed blowing across the shop floor whenever I go into work. Think its time that I move on. Oh, the pickles I get myself into with my big ass mouth!

November 7, 2009

What the .....?

I’ve been living in a hostel now for coming up to 2 months. Its good in some ways – there are always people around to have a drink with and you get free breakfast. Its bad in every other way. Me and my boyfriend sleep in separate bunk beds and have to wave to each other before we go to sleep, I share a bathroom with what seems like 100 other people who leave suspicious items in the shower such as disgarded plasters and tampon wrappers and there is zero privacy. Did I mention that I have to sleep in a bunk bed? Yeah – it aint pretty.

Well, I believe that the final straw came the other night. I had consumed several beverages on a Saturday evening but was still compus mentus enough to brush my teeth. Whilst doing so, I bumped in to a crazily drunk german girl who resembled the ghost who lives in the toilet in Harry Potter. Google it. Her name is Moaning Myrtle. She was shit faced and was telling me how drunk she was. I gave her some water and wisely advised her to go to bed. Pleased with myself that I had been such a good Samaritan I popped to the toilet before bed. When I came out of the toilet – said drunk German girl was using my toothbrush. I’ll say it again so that there is no mistaking what actually happened! She was using.my.toothbrush! Can you bloody believe it. I mean, is nothing sacred? A total and utter stranger cleaning her mouth with my toothbrush. Yuck.
Obviously, I was a tad pissed off so I snatched it off her. Asked her kindly what the hell she thought that she was doing and told her that I would remember her and make her buy me a toothbrush. In hindsight, maybe I was a tad aggressive but Jesus Christ – my toothbrush!?

I awoke in the morning still alarmingly angry and proceeded to search for her in the hostel. I found her and when we caught each others eye she immediately started shaking with fear. How could I possibly accost her now and demand a new toothbrush? She was quite honestly the most bookish looking person that I have ever met and I am sure that if I had approached her people would have thought I was picking on the hostel geek. I couldn’t say anything now. My moment was gone. So much to my parents delight, we are now looking for alternative accommodation. I mean what has the world come to when someone steals your toothbrush? So this is what has led me to the end of my time in hostels oh yeah, and the fact that I found out the guy in the room next to me smokes crack. Wow.

November 2, 2009

Just call me Super Nanny


In my last blog, I mentioned that I had begun working in a sweet shop and that I was worried about becoming a crazy, child hating, psycho bitch who was ready to pounce on any child without manners who crossed my path. Well, my friends – I have reached this stage and can now claim that I have successfully managed to make 3 whole children cry. Real tears. Tears of fear.
I will begin by telling you why it happened so that you can understand that I am not a monster. Basically, we have a little pot of loose bubblegum on the counter of the sweet shop. I know that they are colourful and shiny and look as though they are asking to be touched but I have learnt to control these urges and now I am teaching children to do the same.

Now, we’re all adults – we know where our hands have been and hopefully have the good sense to wash them but kids are different. They have only recently discovered the joy of nose picking and feel it necessary to touch everything that they come into contact with be it a rabid dog, a passing pigeon or rubbish on the street.

Whilst avoiding work I made a massive sign reading DO NOT TOUCH – it was funky, orange and cut out in a nice zig-zag pattern. Beautiful. Definitely worth the half an hours work. Needless to say – not all kids read signs and go putting their hands in there anyway. I don’t know whether I am just feeling extra-specially disgruntled because I had received no recognition for my sign but I snapped at the four year old “Read the sign – DO NOT TOUCH”. Now, in hindsight, this kid was cute and it was like for an instant everything slowed down. The child looked at me – his bottom lip started to quiver and then I saw his eyes fill with tears and then I knew the inevitable was going to happen. I made him cry. Oopsie. I felt bad. I still do but in this instance I was rewarded by the parents who informed me that I had done the right thing and that he needs discipline.

I should have learnt my lesson but the same thing happened twice more (i know i'm mean) – children are so predictable. Each time that it occurred the parents have thanked me and made me feel like I am contributing to the upbringing of the child by disciplining it. So therefore, I have concluded that I am in no way a mere sweet shop worker I am like Super Nanny or Miss Trunchbull from Matilda. Swooping in when parents eyes are turned to berate their naughty children. I am thinking of investing in a stern pair of black framed glasses and wearing my hair in a scraped back bun to confirm my status as “Amy – child whisperer”. I’ll keep you posted.

November 1, 2009

Sweet Guru

I’ve been working at the sweet shop a while now and it seems that customers have favourite questions to ask and I get asked the same thing what feels like a zillion times a day.

Firstly, we have giant gobstoppers. They are huge and frankly make me feel a bit sick. They are as large as a cricket ball and there is no possible way that any human could fit it into their mouth. I am sure that this is obvious from looking at it but without fail – a zillion times a day someone will marvel “well, how are you supposed to fit that in your mouth”. It’s as if they expect me to have an answer and come out with something like “well, funny you should ask – all giant gobstoppers come with a key which means that you can unlock your jaw and fit the whole gobstopper in!” There is no physical way that anyone will fit it in their mouth – surely any sane person can see that! But no, every day the same. Sigh.

These same gobstoppers apparently last 3 months which quite frankly makes me feel a bit ill. Who wants to eat something that has been moist for 3 months. Now, as amusement I tell people that they last 5 months, 8 months, years! People believe me. It’s awesome. I am the sweet guru and therefore know all there is to know about sweets.

The sweet shop I work in only stocks British sweets and this leads me to the other question that I am asked repeatedly. “Are you actually British?”. Now, I am from West Sussex, I speak the Queen’s English and I like to throw in words such as ‘splendid’ and ‘marvellous’ into every day speech so I think that I am very obviously British. At first I just smiled and said “yes of course” but then in a moment of boredom I decided to see how far I could take this ‘sweet guru’ thing. Would the customers believe anything that I said?

I started off pretty tame and I would laugh that I am in fact an actress practising my British accent and then I progressed to telling them that I was a spy for the big bosses and that I had been put in as a mole to uncover sweet conspiracies. The customers didn’t bat an eyelid. When I was next asked the same question I told the middle aged lady that I was going into witness protection and I need to brush up on my English accent to make it believeable. She just looked concerned and wished me luck and walked away. I felt bad. Honestly though, I said it in a jesty way with a smile on my face but she absolutely did not pick up on it in any way. Amazing.

The way I see it, the possibilities are endless – I can make up more and more elaborate lies and people will always believe me as they are under my sweet guru spell. Certainly makes work a bit more interesting.